Fleck don’t flex

There comes a point in every runner’s life when they look in the mirror and realize “oh dear, what have I done to my body?”

For some, it’s the upcoming spring and ensuing panic of showing the world their feet. For others, it’s the pain of runner’s knee. For still others, it’s the sadness that comes with knowing they’ll be forevermore taping the leg they injured in that race.

gimps

But, believe it or not, none of those things gave me my “oh dear, what I have I done to my body?” moment.

Not too long ago, I looked at myself in the mirror and realized that, while my lower half was a brick house, my upper half was a bouncy castle.

flabby fleck

I decided some weight training was in order.

I was too embarrassed to start my weight training at the gym, so I ran to the computer and found an “at home upper-body training program”.

Fabulous.

I ran downstairs and dusted off my Pilates mat.

Excellent.

I pulled out my (partially deflated) balance ball and foam roller from the closet, and knelt down to find my hand weights.

No hand weights.

I needed 5 pound hand weights in order to complete the set in the workout. At a loss, I turned and looked around. Dean and Maggie were sleeping in the afternoon sun by the patio door.

The bunnies looked over at me and, sensing what I was thinking, promptly scooted under the couch.

what can i lift

Bunnies clearly out of scope, I was getting desperate.

It was then that I looked over at our dining room hutch.

Jackpot.

Two identical bottles of wine, both unopened, stared back at me.

wine weights

The workout was only 30 minutes, but after 20 minutes and three sets, I was in serious trouble.

By this time, I was panting, my arms were shaking, and I’d lost all sense of shame. I just wanted to finish the stupid workout, and never do it again.

death by weight training

I started into my fourth set of wino-reps, with my back to the patio door. But just was I was finishing up with some tricep curls, I remembered the blinds were still up.

Panicked, I turned to face the door.

Thankfully, our backyard neighbors weren’t homeΒ (phew!).

Instead, there was a squirrel on our patio, standing on its hind legs, staring at me.

talking to a squirrel

I looked back at him, his judgmental gaze piercing my flabby soul.

Utterly defeated (and deflated), I put the wine bottles back on the hutch, rolled up the mat, and ran away to hide in the basement.

intravenous ice cream

Later that night, I looked at myself in the mirror again. My upper half was still as soft as it had been that afternoon.

Hmph.

But, then I started to think about theΒ squirrel.

And then I started to think about my bunnies.

And then I started to think of hares, and kangaroos, and bears, and cheetahs, and….

LIONS.

They’re all rear-wheel drive.

I blinked, absorbing my epiphany.

rear-wheel drive

Being rear-wheel drive is just fine with me.

Besides, who doesn’t love bouncy castles?

 

 

 

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22 thoughts on “Fleck don’t flex

  1. Wino-reps…I will be laughing off of that one for days! Funny you were eyeing the rabbits as weight possibilities. It reminds me of one part in P90X where he says, “No weights? Use your cat, a soup can, your nephew…” I could only imagine the damage my cat would inflict… So hey, why not wine bottles? Whatever gets the job done! πŸ™‚

    Liked by 1 person

    • Lol – I’m not brave enough to try P90X, but I’m glad I’m not the only one who improvises. The rabbits were in no-way-shape-or-form going to let me lift them… My face would have ended up in shreds had I tried!

      Like

    • LOL – you know what, at one point I considered it, if for nothing other than making the bottles lighter. Maybe someday I’ll get to 4WD status, but for now, I’m more of a Mustang than a Jeep. πŸ™‚

      Thank you for the follow! πŸ™‚

      Like

  2. Rear wheel drive, he he! Love it! My cats faces when I first started practicing handstands against the wall were much like your rabbits. Mum’s lost it.

    There’s nothing wrong with wine bottles. I’ve used a 6 pack of 1.5l water bottles and a bag filled with cat litter as weights. Though if I lived down the road from you, those arms would be popping and you’d be a jeep!

    Liked by 1 person

    • Oh, the looks they were giving me were priceless. I am convinced they were making fun of me in Lapine (not sure if you’ve read Watership Down, but if you have, you’ll get the Lapine reference).

      Humans are wackos. We really are. πŸ™‚

      Liked by 1 person

  3. Fleck, your post continue to AMAZE me. You are so extremely creative.
    Any consolation, I am also intimidated lifting weights at the gym. Now I go very early in the morning where there are a few old fellows like myself, and have gone on a few weight machines.
    Love your ice cream IV. πŸ˜€
    ~Carl~

    Liked by 1 person

    • Aww, thank you, Carl! Your comments are always so encouraging. I’ve yet to find a strength training program that I like. Maybe one day, but not today. I’m convinced I wasn’t designed to lift anything heavier than bunnies. πŸ™‚

      Liked by 1 person

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