Get off the treadmill, Superman

Ok, quiz time.

At your gym, there are two rows of treadmills. In the second row, you see a lady running limping quickly on the 2nd treadmill from the wall, blissfully watching A Few Good Men on cable TV. You want to go for a quick run. Do you:

A) Avoid the treadmills on either side of the gimp

B) Pick the treadmill next to the gimp and try to outrun her

C) Just walk away, despite the urge to ask the gimp how she runs on that angle

D) A or C

Look. Here’s the deal. If you pick a treadmill next to someone when there are other empty ones to use, it’s the same as picking the stall next to someone who’s mid-crisis in an otherwise empty bathroom.

I hate it when the gym is busy. In fact, on days when my only options are a crowded gym or a run in sleet, I choose the sleet. So it shouldn’t come as a surprise that a go-to gym time for me in the winter is Saturday afternoon. Generally, it’s just me and the receptionist.

Ok, and Gazella DeVil. Hmph.

One Saturday afternoon, when our snowbanks were taller than me in stilettos, I headed off to the gym for a nice long run on the treadmill. When I got there, I noticed that all of the treadmills were empty. I could enjoy a nice long run without Gazella!

I hopped on to the 2nd treadmill from the wall and found the movie channel. A Few Good Men was on. Excellent. I hadn’t seen the movie in it’s entirety (I know, I know), so I was pretty excited.

About 20 minutes into my run, I could sense someone was behind me. Sure enough, a huge, muscle-bound dude who I will call Superman hopped on the treadmill to the left of me.

Ugh. Really?

I glanced left to get a better look at him. I could tell he was a lifter. In fact, I could tell he hadn’t ran in a very, very long time, because he looked like this:

Dem twigs tho!

Dem twigs tho!

And runner legs look like this:

Holy tree trunks, Batman!

Holy tree trunks, Batman!

I tried to ignore him and get back to the film. But as I glanced away, I noticed Superman’s speed. It was 0.5mph faster than my 6mph.

My inner lion growled.

Superman, the gimp, and the treadmill

So I, naturally, increased my speed by 1mph.

But then Superman increased his speed to 7.5mph.

Are you kidding me

So I upped my speed to 8mph. I felt a twinge in my short leg, and unwillingly glanced left.

He’d increased his speed to 8.2.

So I increased mine to 8.5.

By then, I was starting to hurt. While I remained a calm blue ocean on the outside, my innards were screaming. But I was determined to beat Twiggy. After all, he’d interrupted my bliss.

After about 15 minutes, Superman hit Stop and keeled over.

“How do you do this? You’re not even sweating!” He exclaimed.

Relieved, I exhaled heavily and let out a sigh that sounded kind of like a “huh”. I slowed down to 6mph and dropped an earbud.

“I’m sorry, what did you say?”

“How long have you been running?”

“About a year,” I said.

“That’s incredible,” he replied, with twitchy lifter-legs.

“My husband got me into it.”

The mention of my husband ended the conversation. Super-legs had (finally) got the hint. He hobbled off to the free weights and I, once again, didn’t get to see A Few Good Men from start to finish.

never know the truth

In case you don’t know, the answer to the quiz is D.

But the lesson, folks, is that if you choose B, don’t skip leg day.

do you even lift

Time for some victory pizza.

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11 thoughts on “Get off the treadmill, Superman

  1. I got a good laugh out of this. I’m sure it wasn’t funny for you at the time, but you did a great job presenting it in a hilarious way.
    Twiggy reminds me of my husband’s first college roommate. A disgusting man with no leg muscles and arms and pecs so ripped that watching him put on his backpack (one of those little sinch pack things) was hilarious…and I still don’t know how he was able to move his arms enough to actually get it on. He did not walk with natural upper body movement, that is how disgustingly muscular he was.
    Apparently he also drank so many protein shakes that his pee was somewhere between orange and brown (depending on the day) and stained the toilet (which of course was only cleaned if my husband did it).
    No one knows why he went to our highly academic school with little to no sports programs (and definitely not football or bodybuilding), thankfully he dropped out.

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  2. Just wondering about the gimp leg that keeps coming up. Is that why when you were little you danced on one leg? Was very entertaining, no gazelle look even back then! Has running helped you finally dance with two legs? 🙂

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  3. Fantastic post! At my gym, the fight is over the fan. There is a great big, hurricane fan at one end of the treadmills. Half the people on the treadmills, those who are running instead of using the stroll or saunter option, want the fan on. The strollers don’t. It hasn’t come to blows yet, but that first week in January, when the newbie’s flood the gym, there could be bloodshed.

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  4. LOL! Awesome post! As I read I totally had pin pointed a few people I see at my gym all the time! The other day I had this dude simply try to show off on the eliptical …. He turned around and at around 2K bumped his speed up right after I did…. Seconds later he went to adjust his foot and went flying off! LOL great read !

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